October 31, 2004

It doesn’t seem like the Memantine is helping Mom. She’s been taking it for two weeks. I have a feeling that we will just go ahead and discontinue it at the end of a month. I’ll give it a few more days, but truthfully I’m not feeling very hopeful. It saddens me that we didn’t have more positive results. She actually seems WORSE now. She is starting to pace like one of those toys that bounces off a wall and redirects itself.

When we got back to Facility this afternoon a lady was in the rec room singing. I took Mom back and she entered the room and paced around until I went in and got her to sit down. She sat there staring blankly at the floor. I felt bad for the lady who was donating her time to sing. No employees were even in the room and she was trying to control all the wayward Alzheimer’s patients alone. I stopped by to mention it to the director on my way out, but he had left just before me.

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Hazel called me last night at midnight and wanted me to go get her a drink from 7-11. Good ole Hazel. She is always calling really late at night. She even called once at 3 A.M. when Josh was visiting last time. I suppose she can’t help it. She has OCD. I told her last night that I was already dressed for bed, but I would be happy to bring her something today. Her reply, “I want it tonight. I don’t want it tomorrow.”

*sigh*

She has several children, but she has managed to drive them all away because of her OCD.

She needs to have an operation but she is scared she will die at the hospital, so she won’t get it. Therefore she suffers pain and sickness regularly and it scares her. She is always calling me asking me to call her the next day to see if she is still alive. When I call the next day she never answers the phone. A few days later I will call her or she will call me and the game continues on. Of course, the ploy is for me to go rushing to her house to check on her when she doesn’t answer the phone. There is no denying her loneliness.

I did walk over to her house the other night with Tana, but her lights were out, so I didn’t knock.

When she calls it’s almost impossible to get off the phone. She continuously says, “I’m going to let you go now.” all through the call. There have been times when I had to finally interject, “HAZEL, I HAVE to go now!” This happens after twenty minutes or so of me trying to end the call.

The way she speaks is quite comical at times.

“I’m not complaining, BUT [commence complaining].”

“I’m not being ugly, BUT [commence being ugly].”

“I’m not gossiping, BUT [commence gossiping].”

“I called my daughter and asked her to call and check on me and I haven’t heard a word from her.”

[Of course, this is because she calls her with this same request constantly (like she does me) and she never answers the phone when you DO call to check.]

“I asked David to go to the store for me and blah blah blah happened.” [David is a young friend from her OCD support group. He helps her out from time to time, but it seems he never does anything right.]

“My son never calls me to check on me.” [When he calls, she won’t let him hang up.] I remember a few years ago her son bought her a car and she didn’t like it because it was black. She said it depressed her. She refused to drive it til her took her other car away. How’s that for appreciation?

Hazel also ticks and clicks and whatnot when she talks. I guess she gets nervous or if she feels pressured, she goes into a panic. The last time I went to get groceries for her was typical. She called me and I told her to call me back when she had her list ready. [I’m very familiar with her inability to get anything together.] SO she calls three hours later and says she is ready for me to go. When I get to her house, she can’t find the list or her money. She has several little lists that aren’t the RIGHT list. She has a few dollars, which isn’t the larger amount she had for me. She is looking through the piles and piles of junk that have accumulated, clicking and fretting.

“Hazel, this is my son’s last night here and I really need to go to the store now so I can get back home to be with him.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to go,” she says, sulking.

“I don’t mind going at all. I just need to go.”

So she gives me two or three little lists and the money she found and I head out. I personally don’t care about the money. I would rather pay for it myself than sit there while she goes crazy searching. I have never been successful with getting her to have anything prepared in advance. She always waits til I get to her house and then she starts having a breakdown.

This is what her children have experienced and they just got tired of it.

In spite of all this, there is also a sweetness about Hazel. She hates being like she is, and often will ask me to pray for God to calm her. She talks about how things used to be…. She talks about all my Mom did for her and what a wonderful friend Mom was… She is vulnerable and alone and in spite of of everything, I love her.

If we only love people who are lovable, what difference is there between us and the rest of the world?

Jude 1:22 And of some have compassion, making a difference: