November 22, 2003

I am filled to overflowing with a sense of gloom, doom, and uncertainty. I called an old friend today to pour out my woes. Why do I feel so alone and deserted?

Recently I read a book entitled Pagan Christianity. It was written by a Christian ‘psychologist’, so I had reservations before I even started. Indeed, much of it I considered being ‘over the top’, but there were some points made that I couldn’t ignore.

While I disagree with the author that church buildings per se are unnecessary, it did bring to the fore my uneasy feelings about my own church’s new building. We have a huge (well, big) sanctuary that is only 1/4 to 1/3 filled on Sunday mornings (less any other time). However, we have purchased land and are in the midst of erecting our brand new building. Why would an unfilled church decide to build?

Better location? Yes, the location is better, but wasn’t that particular church planted to serve the community there?

A nicer facility to draw more people? Whatever happened to the Lord bringing whom He will? Do we really want folks who have to be won over by location or fancy surroundings?

And when I think of the tremendous waste of money, it makes me sick to my stomach.

I hesitate to even start on the list of things that bother me, because I know I’ll seem unreasonable.

I will anyway.

The pastor delivers topical sermons. I much prefer an expository preacher. It’s much more difficult to preach through each book of the Bible, teaching the Word to your people. Choosing a scripture and creating a message is much simpler, however it’s very difficult to learn the meat of the Word that way. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve learned or grown since I have been at my present church.

There are little things that bother me, too. Like the preacher encouraging us to come up to the altar to pray. I am under the impression that when Jesus died on the cross, the curtain protecting the Holy of Holies was ripped away. We are now able to come boldly to the Lord. Right from where we are. Where ever that may be. There is no special place we need to kneel to speak to God. This practice is the tradition of man, it’s not Biblical.

Another thing that I have a problem with is the last few minutes of the service. The pastor likes to ask us to bow our heads, close our eyes, and raise our hands.

“If you KNOW you’d go to heaven if you died today, raise your hand.”

“If you’re not sure, raise your hand.”

“If you want to go to heaven, raise your hand.”

“If you know you’re not saved and want me to pray for you, raise your hand.”

Why on earth would we go over and over this, week after week? In the first place, lots of people will raise their hands to say they are saved when they aren’t. Others might want prayer, but be too shy to raise their hands. Everyone wants to go to heaven.

Why not pray for all your people? The Lord knows who is saved and He will guide your prayer life.

We used to sing all the verses to the hymns, but lately that practice has been dropped and we leave out verses. Hymns normally teach a message. The writer completed the message within the verses written. Leaving out a verse leaves a gap in the narrative. What right do we have to butcher up and edit the poetry of these saints? If time is the issue, why not sing two songs instead of three? Or one instead of two?

While my pastor regularly preaches Christ-centered messages, many, if not most of our visiting speakers deliver man-centered messages. The pastor seems very supportive of these messages. Doesn’t he notice?

Another thing my pastor does is consistently mention how evil boys are who have their ears pierced. My son has pierced ears and is very offended to be lumped in with Goths and Satan worshipers.

I should say that I don’t like boys having pierced ears, either, and I never allowed my sons to have it done. They waited until they were 18 and did it against my wishes.

However, Chris and I have talked about this issue, because he feels like the people at church look down on him and he doesn’t want to go to this church. When I explained to him that having his ears pierced was worldly, he countered that it was also worldly for me to have mine pierced. I cannot deny that he is right. In fact, I was never allowed to have my ears pierced when I was growing up because Mom was a 'Christian' and said it was sinful. I got my ears pierced when I was 21.

Now, some folks believe that men (or boys) with pierced ears take drugs. So in piercing your ears, you’re associating yourself with the drug culture. I think this may have been true twenty years ago, but male ear piercing is becoming much more acceptable. Men in high-paying, well respected positions have pierced ears. As more and more men do this, it is becoming a normal part of our culture. Much as it did with women some years ago.

I do not support my sons having piercings, but I do believe it is worldly for all of us to have piercings. The pastor should drop the subject or speak against both sexes having piercings.

Also, speaking of it repeatedly with Chris sitting there in all his ringed glory is sort of insensitive. Chris taking out his earrings won't save him, either.

Moving on, the pastor often mentions his disdain for ‘negative’ people. Negative people like to complain and try to divide the church. He doesn’t want to hear anything negative, he’ll often say.

There are also mentions of people who go from church to church, leaving as soon as they get their toes stepped on.

Fickle folk, who cannot be pleased.

I have moved from church to church, desperately trying to find a God-honoring church.... knowing that there is no perfect church and ignoring more and more in my quest to find a church where I can be supportive and part of the family. This was the best church I found so far, so I joined it, determined to make this my church home.

Now I don’t want to go. I feel like I’m going just because I have to go to church.

I should add that I really do like the pastor and his family. I do feel like they love the Lord. The pastor and his wife have raised 3 children who love the Lord and are working in the ministry. Many of these things I have listed, I knew when I joined the church.

I think the combination of reading that book, a growing sense of unrest, Chris asking not to go there, and the best friend I had there dying three weeks ago has culminated in a strong desire not to go there. This makes me feel hopeless, because I have spent months and months in the past few years looking for a church in Roanoke. I don’t want to start pounding the pavement again. Not going to church at all would be a very dangerous thing. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sure this seems very nit-picky and disloyal.

I’m beginning to wonder if the whole church thing as we know it today is completely off base, filled with the traditions of men, and if we’re missing the boat in a big way.

Do I sound like some ‘nominal’ Christian who justifies not going to church because ‘everyone there is a hypocrite?’

Is that what I am?

Am I an overly critical nutball who will never be satisfied?

Years ago the Lord sent Leigh Chadwell on a walk around the block and she invited me to Foundation Church. There has to be a group of believers in Roanoke for me. Doesn’t there? I know the Lord brought me here.

Psalm 22:19 But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.