November 27, 2004

Another Thanksgiving spent with our Secret Place family. The meal wasn’t as tasty as last year’s, but beggars can’t be choosers. The turkey and ham were both good, but I missed having mashed potatoes and stuffing. As IF I need all that starch!

I really don’t mind working on Thanksgiving. If we were off, I suppose Chris would go off with his girlfriend’s family and I would sit home alone. Placing Mom in Facility brought the end of our family gatherings. It’s funny. I hated always having to host it because it was so difficult trying to care for Mom and prepare the house, too. Now those days are over and it leaves me feeling sorta empty.

As much as I detested the fake smiles and pretend love and all the two-faced gossiping at our family gatherings, dropping it all didn’t bring the relief I expected.

Before Mom had Alzheimer’s there was always, always fighting at every family gathering. The arguing involved different people, but Mom was always in the thick of it. She just never learned how to withhold her opinion on things.

After my father died all the fighting stopped. Well, mostly. Mom did show herself a couple of times after that, but mostly it was over. Replacing the fighting was feigned love. Everyone would meet with smiles and hugs, but don’t dare leave the room because the backbiting would commence.

One year in particular my sister in law was talking up a storm about me to my children while I was upstairs. When I came back down, she acted sweet as honey. One of my sons told me she was the most two-faced person he had ever seen. Of course he told me all the things she had said about me. I was furious that she was putting me down to my relatively new daughter-in-law and had to work hard to get past it. Now she mostly just doesn’t speak to me at all on the rare occasions we’re in the same room. Honestly, I do prefer the silence. If your opinion of me is that I am the scum of the earth, don’t grin at me and hug me and act like you love me.

Now I know that all families have problems and I know there are no Cleavers. However, I do know there are families who love each other and love each other’s kids and who pull together to help each other through hard times.

I mourn the loss of my family, even if it was dysfunctional at times. A part of me knows that if my brother and sister both have a low opinion of me that I must deserve it. They are not the only ones who never talk to me. Only crazy people think there is something wrong with ‘everyone else’ instead of themselves.

I miss the gatherings. I miss my dad. I miss the old Mom. I wish we would have done better when we had the chance.

I love my nieces, but I wish I knew them better.

I love my brother and sister and wish there was a way to make things okay again, but it seems like the bridges are burned.

Life goes on and I have my kids and Leah. Poor Leah who spent Thanksgiving in Iraq. Poor Leah who will spend Christmas in Iraq. May the Lord protect her from the enemy.

I read that over 100 US soldiers have died in Iraq during November alone. The thought of over 100 families with someone vital missing breaks my heart. It’s so hard to go on when someone you love with all your heart is gone.

Last year as I went over things I was thankful for, Josh and Leah not having to go to Iraq was on my list. Now that Leah is there, I am thankful for each day God keeps her safe and pray diligently that He brings her safely home to the husband who loves her with all his heart and awaits that day hopefully.

Thank you, God, for your abundance of blessings, even upon those who seem to dwell on the negative at times. Thank you for your long suffering and tenderness and patience. Thank you for loving me and mine and keeping us safe from our enemies, even right here in the USA. I love you, Lord, and I thank you for holding onto me even during the times when I let go.

2 Samuel 22:50 Therefore I will give thanks unto thee, O LORD, among the heathen, and I will sing praises unto thy name.