November 7, 2004

Mom paced and paced today while she was here, sitting down only three times for about 60 seconds each time. She did sit at the kitchen table long enough to eat a plate of food and have coffee and soda. I sat with her and we talked while we ate. She still eats well and that’s a good thing.

The weather was beautiful and since she seems to enjoy riding around, I took her out for ice cream. I got it in a cup with a spoon. Immediately she put it to her lips and tried to drink it.

“No, no,” I exclaim, grabbing the spoon and putting some ice cream into her mouth. I give her a couple of spoonfuls, then put her fingers on the spoon. She uses it and takes a couple more bites, then she tries to drink it again. I take the spoon, give her a bite, then put her fingers on the spoon once more. She begins eating again, savoring the icy goodness. The next thing I know she has the end of the spoon in her mouth, trying to suck from it as if it were a straw. At this point the ice cream is mostly melted, so I took the spoon and told her to go ahead and drink it and brought the rim up to her lips. She downed the rest of it happily.

She is not doing well, because I know she could focus long enough to eat a bowl of ice cream if she was having a good day. She loves ice cream.

I have to hold onto her because she is trying to slip away. This monster has been raging inside her for at least 11 years now and she is wearing down. I feel it, too. I’m tired, too.

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The sermon today was based on joy and happiness. In the Lord, of course. The pastor spoke of how we all have problems, but the Lord is with us through them all and He wants us to be happy. If we stay focused on the Lord, we will be happy.

I was reminded of a home school seminar that Cathy and I attended at a church in Virginia Beach. We bought some calligraphy scriptures there to frame and hang. One of them was Nehemiah 8:10b - the joy of the LORD is your strength. Cathy picked it out for me. I think she bought it for me, too. She said it reminded her of me because I was so happy and always laughing. I have it hanging on my bedroom wall. When I am lying in bed, it is directly in front of me. Reminding me.

I remember my ex-husband writing me an email a couple of years ago and he was praising me for all I had done in raising the boys by myself. “I wish I had your strength,” he said.

I remember thinking of how weak and wimpy I really am. The only strength I have is indeed in the Lord. He gives me the strength to get through each new day.

Nehemiah 8:10 Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.