April 26, 2004

As I counted up the years I couldn’t believe it has been almost nine years since my father died.

Today is his birthday and I decided to go visit his grave. I rarely go there at all anymore. It’s not because I don’t think about him and miss him. It’s just because he’s not there and I don’t think he cares if I go stare at his headstone.

As I was driving, it struck me how much I have anguished and grieved over the sins my father committed against my family and how little I have mourned over his rejection of Christ and his eternally lost state. Of course the little minute of betrayal of my family doesn’t begin to compare with an eternity spent without the Lord. My self-centeredness can be consuming to the point of suffocation.

The whole time I am thinking about all this, there is a preacher on the radio talking about how Jonah had no compassion on the people of Nineveh, but mourned over the death of the plant that was shading him. Self-centeredness. It’s so ugly. We are all so filled with self-importance.

The things my dad did to us hurt me doubly because I loved him so deeply and trusted him fully. We were always so close and many times I have wished that he never lived long enough to do them. I have forgiven him and I do believe that he never wanted to hurt us. I have to believe that.

As I drove I also tried to think of what my dad might say to me if he could talk to me once more.

“Angela, stay close to the Lord and let Him keep you safe. You were right about Him all along. Believe me, you don’t want to come where I am and I don’t want you to, either. I am so sorry that I didn’t lead you in the truth of the Lord. I loved you very much and I thought I was being a good father, but now I know that nothing is good without the Lord.”

“Keep looking after your mother and give her lots of love. I can see now I was not a loving, affectionate husband to her and I wish I would have been. Give her lots of hugs and kisses and keep laughing with her. You are so fortunate to continue to have that opportunity and she deserves to feel loved.”

“Forgive me for all the things that happened before I died. I was trying to protect you, but I know it doesn’t look that way. Remember things are not always like they seem. I really did love you. I always loved you.”

“Don’t forget. Stay close to the Lord and hide under the shadow of the Almighty. Don’t be afraid. He will come for you soon. I love you forever. Dad.”

1 Peter 4:18 And if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?